So Darned Complicated

All I wanted to do was make curtains for Captain Picard. I started the project two hours ago. Since then I’ve taken a trip down memory lane, poked a hole in my finger, broken 2 fingernails, and marveled at how much we’ve lost as consumers.

The Cap’n is happy in my kitchen window, but he has no room to entertain his friends. So he leased a condo on the lake at Rancho Murieta. It’s unfurnished. Eventually I’m sure it will be tastefully decorated, but right now it needs a lot of things. I volunteered to make teeny tiny drapes.

I wasn’t going to drag the sewing machine out for this project. I have seam tape that you can iron on, so I dragged the ironing board out instead.

Do you iron? I do, sorta. At least twice a year. I have an ancient ironing board. Last year when we were shopping for Christmas, Bob suggested he could buy me a new one.

“Absotutely NOT!” I said. “You need to learn right now that women don’t like to get things like that as gifts. No housekeeping tools, NEVER!” And besides, why would you waste money replacing something you already hate?

“But the one you have is so grungy I don’t even want to put my clothes on it,” he pointed out. “The cats won’t even sleep on it, it’s gross.”

So one day when I was in some discount store, maybe Ross or Big Lots, I bought a new cover for the old ironing board. That was months ago. This morning when I pried the ironing board out of the hall closet (and had to rearrange most of the stuff that was stacked around it) I found that I’d actually stuffed the new cover beside it. Today was obviously the day to change the cover. Before it got lost.

First I tried to put the new one over the old one, like putting a new roof over the existing one and telling yourself it’ll provide more insulation.

It wouldn’t fit. The old cover was held on by some ancient things that had very sharp hooks on both ends and a spring in the middle. The new cover, I could see, simply had two velcro strips.

Is this an improvement, I wondered? I don’t know about you, but I think the only useful purpose for velcro is as a name for my cat. On shoes and coats, it’s useless after a week here in the country. It gets gummed up with weeds and lint and won’t close anymore. And then your new shoes look nasty, or your new coat looks sloppy.

So I cut off the velcro ties right away. Oops, I should probably have checked to see if the ancient hooks and springs were still functional. Hooks get dull, after all. And springs get sprung.

Nope, these were made in different times, when even little things were made to last. The hooks were still sharp, and the springs were very strong. Strong enough to pop the hooks into my finger. Wow! Sharp like a fish hook! That’s probably why these aren’t made anymore, we’re too stupid to use them.

I found there were not two, but five layers of old stuff on the ironing board. After I broke two fingernails trying to force the new cover over the old ones, I decided I had to take them all off so it would fit. They were all scorched. Those were the days before irons turned themselves off. One cover I remembered very well, it was on the board when I was in high school and used to do ironing for my Aunt Barbara for 30 cents a piece, I think. And yes, Bob, we did have electric irons in those days.

When I was ironing every day, I got 3 small warts on my right palm, where the iron handle rubbed on them. My mom tricked me into a trip to the doctor’s office and had him burn them off. I remember this vividly, I never forgave her for that. The doctor was an ass, a torturer. It’s no wonder I avoided the doctor’s office for years after that. I don’t really blame my mom for that anymore, but I did for at least 30 years.

I read the label from the new cover before I tossed it in the garbage. This is no common cover, I learned, it’s a Laura Ashley cover that doubles the life of your ironing board. (It’s already 50 years old.)

Why would Laura Ashley make ironing board covers? There are no Victorian roses or lace on it, it’s just a plain, white, cotton cover. The designer name doesn’t show anywhere. So if I leave the board out for a week, which I am likely to do, and someone stops by the house, they aren’t going to notice my ironing board cover and think I have good taste.

I understand Disney lunchboxes and maybe even Hannah Montana underwear for little kids, but aren’t we getting carried away with merchandising? Some things make sense. Michael Jordan basketball shoes. Tiger Woods condoms. But would you buy a set of Brittney Spears battery cables, for example? I do have a hammer with the Raiders logo on it, and that doesn’t make much sense either. But it’s a great hammer and it was only $3 at Ross, and if someone borrows it I know it’s mine.

After two hours of messing with the hall closet, refurbishing the ironing board, and trying to find the iron - oh, and then 30 minutes writing about it - I did finally get the drapes finished. And two couch cushions to match.

No photos today, but the Cap’n will be having a Christmas get-together at his new place and I’ll be taking pictures.

Stay tuned.